I Can't Cry

I feel like a jerk. I can't cry.

Today is the one year anivessary of my unborn brother's death. My dad and two sisters are in the living room crying, mourning. My mom is sick in bed and most likely is mourning along with them.

But I can't cry. I didn't cry until the very end. Maybe I thought that it was all just a dream gone bad. That if I smiled enough, laughed enough, prayed enough, that it would all go away. Maybe I was in denial.

The only time I can remember crying for my brother was the night we buryed him. Thats all. A few silent tears shed alone, back turned on my brother's grave. And after those tears were brushd away, no more came. I mourned him in my own way, and now I can't cry.

Maybe I've moved on and accepted the fact that he's better off. Maybe I'm still in denial. But it doesn't change the fact that I can't cry. I can't cry and I can't watch my family cry, not with out wanting to help them stop.

Some people may say that makes me brave. That wanting to help them makes me strong. I don't think so. It only makes me feels guilty, makes me feel like an intruder on their grief. It makes me feel worse watching them, because the reason I want them to stop crying is because they make me feel even worse. Even more guilty that I can't cry for my brother.

I don't know why I can't cry, all I know is that I can't.

I feel like some emotionless jerk. All because I can't cry.