Warrior, Maybe....

KK, so it all goes back to a few of my mental problems.

I don't like being afraid. The only real reason I see for some one to be afraid would be when there is no alternative. Either it'll kill you or it'll kill you. There isn't alot of stuff that makes me think "Oh, I'm gonna die!" that's something I just don't do. Normally, it's like, "OOH! That's cool!".

I also don't like losing. Of course, nobody likes losing. But when I feel like it, I will get major competetive. Usually, it's between me and me. Other times, I'll be competing against other people. If my friends are competing with me, I like to do what I can to see them win too. I'm just fine taking second or third if I think the person who won really earned it. Not deserved, but earned. It doesn't hurt if I like them to begin with.

I really really don't like looking weak. Which is part of the not being afraid problem too. Growing up, most of my friends were boys. No matter what, I was not going to look like some sissy. If my guy friends climbed a tree, I would climb too. Anything that made me tougher, stronger, and more "not sissy", I would do it or have already done it. Well, as long as it was ok with my parents.
It usually was, I think they thought it was funny.

Now, onto the actual deal. In Kickboxing, we sometimes spar. Which means we fight. We put on these little foam helmet-y things and boxing gloves and fight. If you can find a way to kick to the head, you're doing good.

My teacher wanted me to enter a tournament to spar. My mom didn't want me to because I would probably get seriously outclassed. I didn't compete in anything. There's a joke in class with a few people that I'm gonna become a cage fighter. All in fun, but it's all got me thinking.

Do I like fighting?

If I was honest, I'd probably say yes. I do. It makes sense with my above stated mental problems. I don't like to lose, so I go into to sparring matches wanting to win. Everyone in the class is in some way both my friend and my competion. I don't want to look pathetic in front of them. And there is no way you can go into a sparring match if you're afraid.

Someday, I'd like to try participating in a sparring tournament. When I know a little bit more about fighting. And whether or not I'm actually any good at it.

Don't You Just Hate It When...

You have all these incredible ideas and you don't know how to express them? When I say ideas, I mean ideas that could make you rich. Ideas that could change your life. Ideas that could change the way people see things.

I have so many ideas. It almost hurts sometimes how many different ideas I'll have. I have books running through my brain. Dozens of lines, and the characters to say them. Story upon story to be told. If only somebody would sit and listen. And if anybody does, they usually either think I'm smart or crazy.

And it goes beyond just writing fantasy. I think so much, I barely pay attention sometimes. I'm intelligent. I'm not being cocky when I say that. I'm a smart kid. But I don't do anything. AND IT KILLS ME. There is so much I want to do, but I can't do any of it yet. The reasons are usually the same: I'm not old enough. Don't have enough money. Still need to graduate.

Don't have, Don't know, Don't try, Can't do, Can't say, Can't be, Can't win, Won't be, Won't work, Won't help, Couldn't work, Shouldn't do, Shouldn't try, Never happen, Never be, Never will.

Man, I HATE statements like that.

They are just excuses. Stupid excuses I use way too much. Excuses everybody uses far too often. There is so much I want to do. I have so many dreams. And I know, I DO NOT have forever, no matter how often I kid myself.

All I know, is if when I'm old and I look back and realize I never did all that I could have, I will know exactly who I have to blame. What I don't know is if I'll ever stop hating myself for that.

Sickness Sucks

I've got some kind of cold. All week. Started on Monday and it's still going strong.

My fever is gone mostly, but my nose is still stuffed and my throat is really sore. I'm having a hard time really focusing on anything because of how lousy I'm feeling. Which isn't all that good because I have a math test on Monday. First of the new class. Honestly, right now, I'd rather be taking Nap 101 instead of Math 110.

Thankfully, bed time isn't too far off.